When I was a kid, having money meant going out and buying things. And buying big fancy things for people was my family's way of showing "love" or at least trying to buy our love for them. They used toys in the place of talking, shopping in the place of sorrys, and movie tickets in the place of meaningful conversations. So, in my childhood, I had lots of toys and books and clothes, but not a whole lot of emotional closeness to anyone in my family. I still don't have any closeness to them.
The scarring of that retail-therapy, as my family calls it, is a lot deeper than just my connection to a few people that I'm genetically related to. It's branched out into all of my relationships with everyone I know.
I can't handle gifts from people. I'll take them, and I'll be happy, because that's what people want from me, but I can't actually be excited for a present, or to consider the "thought that counts". In my mind, it's a ploy. It's an attempt to garner favor with me, and not to actually make me feel loved.
I have been working on that issue for a long time, because it really isn't fair to my friends and family, but it is interesting to finally realize where that disdain came from. It also helps me realize why it's so hard to cure. It's written into my personality, into my life script, and that's going to be really hard to scrub out.
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