When I was a kid, having money meant going out and buying things. And buying big fancy things for people was my family's way of showing "love" or at least trying to buy our love for them. They used toys in the place of talking, shopping in the place of sorrys, and movie tickets in the place of meaningful conversations. So, in my childhood, I had lots of toys and books and clothes, but not a whole lot of emotional closeness to anyone in my family. I still don't have any closeness to them.
The scarring of that retail-therapy, as my family calls it, is a lot deeper than just my connection to a few people that I'm genetically related to. It's branched out into all of my relationships with everyone I know.
I can't handle gifts from people. I'll take them, and I'll be happy, because that's what people want from me, but I can't actually be excited for a present, or to consider the "thought that counts". In my mind, it's a ploy. It's an attempt to garner favor with me, and not to actually make me feel loved.
I have been working on that issue for a long time, because it really isn't fair to my friends and family, but it is interesting to finally realize where that disdain came from. It also helps me realize why it's so hard to cure. It's written into my personality, into my life script, and that's going to be really hard to scrub out.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Financially Done For
This week, I learned that my Financial Aid for this semester will likely not be available funds until my semester is essentially over. This isn't my fault; it's the fault of my financial aid office being terrible and inefficient and frankly, rude. But, there's nothing I can do to speed up the process, so I may as well deal with it. However, this has some major impacts on my life.
At this point, because of the financial aid issues, I've been living off my credit card. It's got about $100 dollars left, which likely won't be able to get me through two months. Food can be expensive sometimes, plus I do need to have fun, and that usually is defined as a movie out or going to a restaurant with my roommates. There's also times that I'm on campus and starving, and I don't have the time or energy to trek home for a snack. Vacations also cost a fair amount, because a trip on the Ride Board to J's house usually costs $20-$40 round trip (most worthwhile money ever spent). On top of it, there's my phone bill and my Spotify bill, medication, and monthly banking fees. That really adds up.
Luckily, my mom says she is financially in a position to help me, and while I really hate taking handouts, or pulling people down monetarily, I may have to take her help. I'd probably only ask for enough money to pay off my credit card, which really isn't that much. I can pay her back fairly easily. But I can't turn to her to answer all of my problems.
I guess, it's time I truly learned how to be financially conservative. I mean, I've lived in poverty for my entire life, but it's harder when you're the one wielding the credit card to be so frugal. I need to learn to focus on the fact that I have bills and a stomach that isn't getting fed if I don't do it, and a future to prepare for. So here's to a new phase: frugal living out of necessity and not personal desire.
At this point, because of the financial aid issues, I've been living off my credit card. It's got about $100 dollars left, which likely won't be able to get me through two months. Food can be expensive sometimes, plus I do need to have fun, and that usually is defined as a movie out or going to a restaurant with my roommates. There's also times that I'm on campus and starving, and I don't have the time or energy to trek home for a snack. Vacations also cost a fair amount, because a trip on the Ride Board to J's house usually costs $20-$40 round trip (most worthwhile money ever spent). On top of it, there's my phone bill and my Spotify bill, medication, and monthly banking fees. That really adds up.
Luckily, my mom says she is financially in a position to help me, and while I really hate taking handouts, or pulling people down monetarily, I may have to take her help. I'd probably only ask for enough money to pay off my credit card, which really isn't that much. I can pay her back fairly easily. But I can't turn to her to answer all of my problems.
I guess, it's time I truly learned how to be financially conservative. I mean, I've lived in poverty for my entire life, but it's harder when you're the one wielding the credit card to be so frugal. I need to learn to focus on the fact that I have bills and a stomach that isn't getting fed if I don't do it, and a future to prepare for. So here's to a new phase: frugal living out of necessity and not personal desire.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
"It's NOT your fault."
Today, in my Adjustment course (Effective Living), we were talking about autonomy. Autonomy is a critical stage of psycho-social development, and there's a lot that falls under that umbrella. But, in particular, we were discussing the facet of accepting responsibility for our actions, and not laying the blame with someone else. This also applies the other way: not blaming ourselves for something we couldn't have affected.
The presenter asked everyone in the class to close their eyes, and raise their hand if they felt like they were to blame for a tragic experience--like a death in the family or a car accident or a divorce. Reluctantly, and sorrowfully, I raised my hand.
My parents have been legally married for nearly 20 years, and separated for 11 of those years. They do not currently have an official divorce, because of costs and the added component of children to consider. They were married because of me, not because they wanted to be a family. Originally, I was to be put up for adoption. But, when mom became attached to me, the plan changed, and they were married almost exactly three months after I was born.
It didn't take long for me to be aware of my parent's failing marriage. I'd hear my mother crying in their room, or see my dad asleep on the couch rather than in their room. It wasn't much of a surprise when my mom packed my sister and I up in the middle of my fourth grade school year and moved away from my father.
No matter how much evidence I see to refute it, it's hard for me to believe that, twenty years down the road, it's not my fault that my parents failed. It's hard to realize that I really didn't have a part in my mother moving away, and straining contact with my father. I wasn't to blame.
But it's hard to tell that to a girl who pretty much caused her parents to get married, even if I was too busy crying and pooping to notice what was happening at the time.
And that's the thing. I didn't know what was happening. I didn't crawl up to my mother one day and say "hey you and my dad should get married, even though we all know you're bad together." Heck, I couldn't even talk. Or crawl. Even once I could do those things, I never purposefully tried to sabotage their relationship. I never encouraged mom to move away, or for dad to be depressed and give up. They made those decisions themselves, and they were stupid decisions. It was stupid of them to have me, to keep me, to get married and raise me. It was stupid of them to ever try, when they knew from the start that they weren't willing to try.
I'm here now though, and I have two parents that hate each other, and two sets of extended family that hate each other--and sometimes me. None of that is my fault. I am understanding that.
The presenter asked everyone in the class to close their eyes, and raise their hand if they felt like they were to blame for a tragic experience--like a death in the family or a car accident or a divorce. Reluctantly, and sorrowfully, I raised my hand.
My parents have been legally married for nearly 20 years, and separated for 11 of those years. They do not currently have an official divorce, because of costs and the added component of children to consider. They were married because of me, not because they wanted to be a family. Originally, I was to be put up for adoption. But, when mom became attached to me, the plan changed, and they were married almost exactly three months after I was born.
It didn't take long for me to be aware of my parent's failing marriage. I'd hear my mother crying in their room, or see my dad asleep on the couch rather than in their room. It wasn't much of a surprise when my mom packed my sister and I up in the middle of my fourth grade school year and moved away from my father.
No matter how much evidence I see to refute it, it's hard for me to believe that, twenty years down the road, it's not my fault that my parents failed. It's hard to realize that I really didn't have a part in my mother moving away, and straining contact with my father. I wasn't to blame.
But it's hard to tell that to a girl who pretty much caused her parents to get married, even if I was too busy crying and pooping to notice what was happening at the time.
And that's the thing. I didn't know what was happening. I didn't crawl up to my mother one day and say "hey you and my dad should get married, even though we all know you're bad together." Heck, I couldn't even talk. Or crawl. Even once I could do those things, I never purposefully tried to sabotage their relationship. I never encouraged mom to move away, or for dad to be depressed and give up. They made those decisions themselves, and they were stupid decisions. It was stupid of them to have me, to keep me, to get married and raise me. It was stupid of them to ever try, when they knew from the start that they weren't willing to try.
I'm here now though, and I have two parents that hate each other, and two sets of extended family that hate each other--and sometimes me. None of that is my fault. I am understanding that.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
7%
The first week of my semester has come to a close, and I've gotta say, this is going to be the most interesting semester yet. In total, I'm taking only 8 credits on campus, along with another 3 online credits, and a weird 5-class cycle worth 2.5 online credits. Basically, it feels like I'm only part time right now, yet I'm still doing a full time load.
My Effective Living course is, by far, the most interesting. It's basically a discussion class, in one of the most interesting rooms I've ever seen. No tables or desks or those awful hard plastic chairs that all schools are filled brimming with. There's soft, aged desk chairs that swivel and roll and are quite comfortable lined up along the walls of the room, and a bean bag pile filling the center. There's two analog clocks in the room, both of them with the numbers fallen to the bottom of the clock so it's not as easy to read. They say things like "whatever" and "who cares?" on the face of the clock. There's also a huge painting that takes up the whole wall, painted with a pleasing forest scene. And that's just the classroom. In the class so far, we've discussed things like credit cards, what we'd do if the Church wasn't true, the impact of divorce on family life, and a host of other topics. On top of the interesting material, we have a final project due, where we have to basically write our life story. That will be very interesting. But I'm excited for this course.
New Testament class is being taught by an awesome teacher, who's funny and really knows what's going on. He actually was on the team that wrote the new New Testament manual for Institute. He also allows the use of electronics in his class, which is something I've never seen a religion teacher allow without special permissions. Last class, he let us go totally off his lesson plan and talk about miracles, today and in the Bible, for almost the entire time. I think it's really awesome when teachers allow you to do that, because I feel like I get more out of my learning that way.
Last is my Child Development course. I'm taking it because I want to work in Child Therapy, so I need to know what average growth is for a child in order to accurately assess deficiencies and disorders. I also want to learn how to help correct those issues with teaching and training rather than with medications. So, this looks like it will be a good class to learn just that. Obviously it will be merely a basic education, but from there I can gain further information where necessary. The class is a normal, three-day-a-week lecture, and there's not much new or strange about it.
And then, there's my main online class, Research Methods. Oh, I have to take this class with a spoon of sugar, because I dislike the research portion of Psychology. I intend to go into therapy, which is an applied Psychology path. I apply the research other people have done. That's my plan and I shall stick to it. But I have to take this course for my degree, so I shall suffer it and hope to learn something good.
The five class rotation is a study skills cluster, including things like time management, textbook reading, note taking, test taking... I feel like this is a wise class to take, and honestly I should have maybe done so earlier than five semesters down the road. But, better late than never, and I shall learn how to do college properly.
My Effective Living course is, by far, the most interesting. It's basically a discussion class, in one of the most interesting rooms I've ever seen. No tables or desks or those awful hard plastic chairs that all schools are filled brimming with. There's soft, aged desk chairs that swivel and roll and are quite comfortable lined up along the walls of the room, and a bean bag pile filling the center. There's two analog clocks in the room, both of them with the numbers fallen to the bottom of the clock so it's not as easy to read. They say things like "whatever" and "who cares?" on the face of the clock. There's also a huge painting that takes up the whole wall, painted with a pleasing forest scene. And that's just the classroom. In the class so far, we've discussed things like credit cards, what we'd do if the Church wasn't true, the impact of divorce on family life, and a host of other topics. On top of the interesting material, we have a final project due, where we have to basically write our life story. That will be very interesting. But I'm excited for this course.
New Testament class is being taught by an awesome teacher, who's funny and really knows what's going on. He actually was on the team that wrote the new New Testament manual for Institute. He also allows the use of electronics in his class, which is something I've never seen a religion teacher allow without special permissions. Last class, he let us go totally off his lesson plan and talk about miracles, today and in the Bible, for almost the entire time. I think it's really awesome when teachers allow you to do that, because I feel like I get more out of my learning that way.
Last is my Child Development course. I'm taking it because I want to work in Child Therapy, so I need to know what average growth is for a child in order to accurately assess deficiencies and disorders. I also want to learn how to help correct those issues with teaching and training rather than with medications. So, this looks like it will be a good class to learn just that. Obviously it will be merely a basic education, but from there I can gain further information where necessary. The class is a normal, three-day-a-week lecture, and there's not much new or strange about it.
And then, there's my main online class, Research Methods. Oh, I have to take this class with a spoon of sugar, because I dislike the research portion of Psychology. I intend to go into therapy, which is an applied Psychology path. I apply the research other people have done. That's my plan and I shall stick to it. But I have to take this course for my degree, so I shall suffer it and hope to learn something good.
The five class rotation is a study skills cluster, including things like time management, textbook reading, note taking, test taking... I feel like this is a wise class to take, and honestly I should have maybe done so earlier than five semesters down the road. But, better late than never, and I shall learn how to do college properly.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Full House
For the first time in practically four months, my apartment is full of people and stuff and food! I honestly love it. Spending so long with just E in the house was getting weird. Especially since we had such different schedules. She worked nights, and I worked days. It was like we were never home at the same time.
But now S and H are here. They both got in at 3pm yesterday. H came with her parents, so they brought a lot of stuff, and S had left most of her stuff here in the apartment while she was at home over break. So most of Friday was spent helping everyone move in, and doing some essential shopping. We ended the day with pizza and the Legend of Korra premiere. E was at work though, so it was just me and H and S. But we had fun, and it was good to spend time with them, since I haven't seen them in a while.
This morning, E and S and I all went to IF to go to Sam's Club. We were a bit ridiculous, but we were surrounded by bulk deliciousness. We bought probably $200 worth of stuff, but it's also stuff we won't need again for a while. Like, I bought toilet paper for the apartment. 36 rolls of it. If it doesn't last us through the semester, I will be very confused.
It has been really good getting to see my roommates again after so long, and I was happy to spend time with each of them this weekend. And tomorrow, we have church, and hopefully we can all attend. E sometimes can't because of work, but HOPEFULLY this won't be one of those weeks. I like it when she gets to come to church, even she is on her tablet window shopping most of the time.
But now S and H are here. They both got in at 3pm yesterday. H came with her parents, so they brought a lot of stuff, and S had left most of her stuff here in the apartment while she was at home over break. So most of Friday was spent helping everyone move in, and doing some essential shopping. We ended the day with pizza and the Legend of Korra premiere. E was at work though, so it was just me and H and S. But we had fun, and it was good to spend time with them, since I haven't seen them in a while.
This morning, E and S and I all went to IF to go to Sam's Club. We were a bit ridiculous, but we were surrounded by bulk deliciousness. We bought probably $200 worth of stuff, but it's also stuff we won't need again for a while. Like, I bought toilet paper for the apartment. 36 rolls of it. If it doesn't last us through the semester, I will be very confused.
It has been really good getting to see my roommates again after so long, and I was happy to spend time with each of them this weekend. And tomorrow, we have church, and hopefully we can all attend. E sometimes can't because of work, but HOPEFULLY this won't be one of those weeks. I like it when she gets to come to church, even she is on her tablet window shopping most of the time.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Jumping In
I've been saying I'd do this for a long time, and I keep putting it off or being too lazy or too wrapped up in something to actually follow through. So here's me, finally taking the leap and flying with the idea that I'd have a proper blog. Not another one of those silly Tumblr blogs. I mean, I have one of those, but Tumblr becomes a toxic place for me to be. So now I'm here. Impress me.
I'm kidding of course. Mostly. On the impress me part.
But perhaps I'm just growing older and growing wiser and growing dissatisfied. Maybe I want to think differently than I ever have before. Or maybe I just want to ramble on about the way I think without worrying that it doesn't fit the selective mold that I saw on Tumblr.
I guess I'm here to find out.
And so, here I go, jumping off the deep end. Hopefully this Bug will fly.
I'm kidding of course. Mostly. On the impress me part.
But perhaps I'm just growing older and growing wiser and growing dissatisfied. Maybe I want to think differently than I ever have before. Or maybe I just want to ramble on about the way I think without worrying that it doesn't fit the selective mold that I saw on Tumblr.
I guess I'm here to find out.
And so, here I go, jumping off the deep end. Hopefully this Bug will fly.
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